Diagnosis

As I have mentioned, it was only when I was 21 that I was eventually diagnosed with Attention Defecit Hyperactivity Disorder and, bizarrely, it was my digestional woes that led me to seek expert advice.  I have always battled with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (whatever that is) and this began to get out of hand during my final year of university.  Digestion became so difficult that I was often sick after my evening meal.  I started worrying that I had some form of subconscious bulimia.

I wish!

Thankfully the gastroenterologist knocked all such concerns on the head suggesting that this was all related to anxiety and I was sent to see a psychiatrist.  After several sessions with him I was diagnosed with acute anxiety, depression and suspected ADHD and was sent to see an ADHD specialist and very soon I was diagnosed.

The process was pretty unscientific and it is understandable why so many people shun an ADHD diagnosis and see it as an excuse, either for parents, teachers or the sufferer themselves for bad behaviour. 

I was asked a series of questions, filled in a questionnaire and, based on my responses, a diagnosis was made.  When younger people are diagnosed (which is more often the case) parents and teachers are involved in the diagnosis and it is very obvious where the scepticism comes from.  I am quite sceptical myself but the more I read, and the more I learn about myself and the condition, the more convinced I become that ADHD is a real condition and that diagnosis, however unscientific, is in some cases, important and necessary.

I was already taking anti-depressants prescribed by the psychiatrist when the ADHD diagnosis was made and was then given Ritalin for the ADHD.  I was also referred to a lady who saw me weekly for cognitive behavioural therapy or CBT.

The diagnosis made complete sense to me.  It made sense of my life, my personality, my irrepressible urges and my insufferable moods. 

The anti depressants helped level my anxiety and mood and the Ritalin had the most incredible effect. It lifted this thick veil of foggy exhaustion and confusion from my mind.  I went from walking through treacle to walking through air.  I felt an enormous sense of freedom, excitement, adventure and potential.  For the first time in my life, I enjoyed a class.  I found it interesting and was able to concentrate for about 70% of it which was an incredible revolution for me. 

I’m not quite sure how well the CBT worked.  I’m not sure I gave it as much of a chance as I should have.  The Ritalin felt like a cure and everything in my life seemed to be getting so much better that I probably didn’t harness its potential as much as I could or should have.  One day I will try it again.

I don’t use Ritalin every day anymore.  I use it when I need it – in long and complicated meetings or for interviews.  I’m not sure whether that is a good or a bad thing and should probably check with a doctor that it is safe so please, ADHD people, don’t take this as advice!

My ADHD still affects me and those close to me every day.  It is intertwined with my personality and it can be incredibly hard to live with but, on the other hand, it is also my friend.  It helps to push me where I wouldn’t otherwise push myself.  It keeps me on my toes.  And every day I think I get a little bit closer to accepting it.

ADHD and me: I am not the monster

ADHD and me: I am not the monster: "When we were young Although I wasn’t diagnosed until the age of 21, my ADHD was very apparent, if unnamed, from an early age. I touched brie..."

I am not the monster

When we were young

Although I wasn’t diagnosed until the age of 21, my ADHD was very apparent, if unnamed, from an early age.

I touched briefly on my difficulties between the transition between school and home in an earlier blog.  These were the times when my ‘monster’ overcame me, Mr Hyde took over and left both me and my family in despair. 

Unlike many ADHD children I was relatively well behaved at school.  I never played truant, probably terrified of disappointing my parents whom I already felt deeply guilty towards due to my at-home behaviour.  I was never rude to teachers and I tried absurdly hard to be liked by them.  I never was, probably due to my inability to ‘suck up’ as we called it back then. 

One of my earliest memories from school involved a game we used to play where we pretended to rip up our work while making a ripping sound through our teeth.  Inevitably I never really got the hang of this and in my enthusiasm actually ripped up an entire story which I had spent the duration of the class writing. I was so embarrassed I copied the entire thing out again at home that night and then didn’t dare to give it in the next day.  The teacher didn’t seem to even notice my story, which I was quite proud of, had never been handed in.  This kind of thing happened a lot at school. 

All through my school career I was told off for not trying.  My reports came back saying that if only I tried harder (read – didn’t have ADHD) I could do really well; if only I asserted myself (read – didn’t have ADHD) I would be able to pass.  One of my teachers used to pick on me ‘Madame Evans’ and use me as an example to my year and the year below.   ‘Pay attention or you’ll end up like Madame Evans’ or something to that affect.  Of course I put on a brave face but, after all these years, my confidence in my academic ability is still affected.

In lessons I used to write lists of friends to invite to that weekend’s party, write long notes and even letters, count down the minutes and seconds left until the bell went, invent ‘tag’s’ in case I ever had the inclination to grafitti etc etc.  When I was about 11 or 12 I used to hide headphones under my hair and listen to music or audio books during lessons.  Once I even brought my hamster in my pocket.  My mind used to wander incessantly and I was bored to near insanity.  It never, never occurred to me to listen.  It was only during my GCSE’s that I realised that my peers actually listened in class.  I felt cheated. 

Revision was always a nightmare as I had to essentially learn the lesson for the first time and then try and remember it.  It always took three or four times the time and effort for me to revise than my peers and I rarely did as well, or so it seemed. 

Thankfully my parents were strict with me and would always double or triple check that I was doing my homework.  Otherwise I would probably have given up on school work.  Often they would find me in tears and fits of frustration and anguish over biology, dad would always help me with maths and mum would always help me with French (while I walked around and around the table or lay on the floor kicking my legs in the air in an attempt to concentrate, getting increasingly stressed, anxious and angry).  This always ended in a tantrum and usually we were both in tears at some point during the daily saga.  I was sent to several tutors for the subjects my extraordinarily accommodating parents had no expertise in.  It was a nightmare.  But it got me where I am now. 

I think the reason I managed to be ‘good’ at school, and thus undiagnosed, was that my parents were so forgiving and accommodating.  Although I feared disappointing them I knew they would always love me.  Home was that safe haven where I could be myself.  And that was when my monster would come out, all the pent up hurt, frustration and anxiety of the school day would surge out of me in dramatic waves of anger and aggression.  I had no control, and moreover, no idea what it was.

Now I do know what it is, I have an explanation and that helps a lot.  As I have said, I still have these outbursts, both at home with my partner and when I visit my parents.  My monster hasn’t left me and I don’t pretend to have that much control over it.  I am still working on that.  Diagnosis doesn’t cure, and I’m not sure how much it necessarily helps either but at least, in my case, it has relieved some of the guilt.  At least I know that its my monster, and that I am not the monster.

ADHD and me: At home with my Monster

ADHD and me: At home with my Monster: "Part 2 Last time I talked about how ADHD affected me in terms of the transitions between one phase of the day to the next and also about how..."

At home with my Monster

Part 2

Last time I talked about how ADHD affected me in terms of the transitions between one phase of the day to the next and also about how it can make me over emotional, hypersensitive and angry.  Today I want to address those other things that affect my home life which I also believe to be linked to my ADHD.

Anxiety

Anxiety, although I often don’t realise I’m experiencing it, affects me both mentally and physically and is deeply intertwined in my personal experience of ADHD.  In fact, it was the physical affects of acute anxiety that led to my diagnosis 5 years ago.

I often catch myself dreaming up negative scenario’s which could potentially happen in the future but which have no real basis.  For example, I might imagine a conversation with someone who is currently irritating me in real life in which they say something wrong and hurtful about someone I care about thereby giving me justification to be angry with them.  I think it is almost a subconscious way of finding somewhere to put some of my anger which tends to build inside me until I have an occasion to release it.  The trouble is that I don’t release it; I essentially wind myself up with imagined scenarios and continue to harbour that bad feeling based on something which never even happened.  I know its unhelpful, I know its bad for me, I know its bad for those around me but, like any habit, its incredibly difficult to break.  

I also get very anxious about getting enough rest.  When I was younger and enjoying an action packed social, work and studying lifestyle I used to get anxious about not getting enough sleep.  I used to get anxious in clubs which I never much enjoyed, thinking I was wasting my free time when I could be sleeping in preparation for the following day which would invariably involve lots of socialising, working and usually some kind of voluntary work as well.

As I have got older this has become more and more prevalent and I have started getting excessively over protective about my weekends which can, in fact, cause more stress and anxiety than a busy weekend might otherwise cause.  Again, it’s a bad habit I’m aware of but one that’s proving incredibly difficult to kick.  If only it was as easy as giving up smoking, a piece of cake in comparison!

Driving

Another area where my ADHD can affect both my home and work life is driving.  Sometimes, when my head is particularly ‘foggy’ I avoid driving and I can become quite anxious about driving long distances alone as I worry that I will loose concentration and crash.  I have never had a moving crash or collision caused by this but I am aware that it could happen and have to think and plan for driving long distances more than most. 

More often, however, I loose concentration when doing ‘every day’ driving.  Recently, for instance, I scratched my car coming out of the car park at work where I park every day.  I think this is because I do it every day my brain doesn’t feel the need to focus.  I know this is normal for a lot of people.  They do say that a third of accidents occur in a mile radius of home, but I really believe that my ADHD exacerbates this.

When I was younger I also used to get quite bad road rage.  Luckily this hasn’t happened recently but this could be due to the fact that I no longer live in London!

ADHD as a learning difficulty

One of the funnier aspects of my ADHD as a learning difficulty is that I have developed fool-proof coping mechanisms.  I am so good at looking like I am listening that I continually inadvertently fool my partner.  When we were travelling this caused no end of problems as I stood there ‘listening’ to someone speaking to us in Spanish, he would assume I was listening and comprehending so he would switch off himself and neither of us would know what was said.

I also really struggle with calculations and directions.  It was only a couple of years ago that I realised that not everyone counted using their fingers.  My partner has spent years trying to teach me to count in my head but to no avail.  My mind simply won’t compute without the aid of my fingers!  I am also completely useless with directions.  It is not only that I have absolutely no ‘sense’ of direction, but I cannot remember directions, or locations, or places at all.  This has been an ongoing joke for most of my life and, I too, find it amusing but the jokes can become hurtful at times as I do try exceedingly hard and simply cannot do these things.

Final word… because I always have to have it

The previous two posts have been a very personal account of how ADHD affects my home life and I’m sure that other people with ADHD will have very different experiences.  It is sometimes hard to know what is ADHD and what is just my personality but as I believe they are so inextricably linked I just put it all in there.  Apologies to any experts if I was ever off the mark!

ADHD and me: At home with my Monster

ADHD and me: At home with my Monster: "Part 1 I suspect this will be one of the harder posts to write as the home environment is the most difficult environment for me to manage m..."

At home with my Monster

Part 1

I suspect this will be one of the harder posts to write as the home environment is the most difficult environment for me to manage my ADHD in. 

I have decided to split this into two sections as there is a lot to cover.  Today I will talk about the difficulties I experience with transitions and about how ADHD makes me over emotional, hypersensitive and angry.  Next time I’ll discuss the other factors which affect my home life that I attribute to ADHD including how it affects my driving, my anxiety levels and I will also briefly look at how the learning difficulty element affects me at home.

Transitions

As a child I remember the instant I got home from school, or when I was younger still, as soon as my mum had picked me up from school, the nasty side of me would come out.   

I used call this ‘my monster’ which in retrospect, I suppose was my ADHD. It was almost as if I had been suppressing the hyperactivity all day and released it all at once as soon as I knew I was in a safe place.  My parents used to say that I ‘became a teenager early’ but as I went through my teenage years it became clear it was more than just that. 

Although maturity has meant that I have learnt some coping mechanisms which prevent me from having a tantrum the second I walk through the door, I still struggle with transitions from places where I have to be on my best behaviour to the home environment.  The transition from work to home is particularly difficult and I try to intersperse this with a trip to the gym and some ‘alone’ time in the kitchen cooking dinner to shift me down a gear from over-drive working Lauren to winding down in the evening Lauren.  This works to an extent but I still find myself snapping unnecessarily at my partner if he kindly offers to cook or starts to tell me about events which have happened during the day or future plans which we need to make before I am ready for them.

 

I also struggle with the transition from a social occasion where all is loud and clamourous to the quiet calm of the car journey home.  It is often on these occasions, when I do not have any particular coping mechanisms to hand, that ‘my monster’ resurfaces.

This difficulty with ‘transitions’ is very difficult for those around me to understand as they are used to me being loud, bubbly and ‘bouncing off the walls’ and suddenly I have this need to be alone and quiet while I re-adjust.  I am exactly the same in the morning and find it very easy to be wound up if I don’t have my own space and if I’m not in charge of my own time.

Over emotional, hypersensitive and angry

My ADHD takes hold in many other ways at home as well which have no bearing on my difficulties with transitions.  I am often very over emotional and hyper sensitive and this is magnified enormously when I am generally stressed.  When I am stressed (even if not at that specific time) I am very susceptible to angry outbursts which often take place when I am at home alone.  These usually occur when something minor goes wrong such as knocking over the cutlery holder or not being able to untangle a wire quickly enough and often end in injury or damage to objects around me.  In the house where I grew up there are several holes in doors, angry scuffs on walls, and my bed once lost its legs after repeated kicking.  These days I tend to do more damage to myself punching or kicking solid objects and ending up in tears clutching a bag of frozen peas on the sofa.

After a while I end up feeling like a fool and become angry at myself, guilty for being the way I am and then full of self pity when I attribute it to ADHD which, needless to say, helps no-one.

Sometimes these angry outbursts occur when loved ones are around and can be triggered by a meaningless comment which, at a different time, would probably excite absolutely no reaction from me.  This often results in a short spell of me shouting some very angry, rude and hurtful comments, and then striking out against some kind of object before rapidly removing myself from wherever that person is to cry and feel immediate guilt.

I used to call these outbursts ‘my monster’ as it really does seem to come from somewhere deep inside me and completely ‘take over’ my being.  I seem to have absolutely no control over it.  I go from perhaps slight hyperactivity to literally seething with rage for no plausible reason and all I can do is release it.  The rage part, for me, doesn’t tend to last particularly long, and, after a good cry I tend to feel ‘purged’ and far calmer than before.  The worst part of all this however is the guilt I feel after one of these outbursts.  As they often happen to the same few people that I love the most, each time the guilt builds greater and greater.  My poor mum has probably had to deal with the bulk of my outbursts over time and I cannot apologise enough for how these must have made, and still make (as I am still susceptible to them now), her feel. So here’s a public apology mum.  I’m sorry.

I am still seeking an alternative way to release these tensions but after 26 years of looking I am still none the wiser.  If anyone has had similar experiences and has found a solution that works for them please let me know!

I will leave it here for now with a massive thanks to everyone who commented on my post last week.  It makes these Sunday afternoon rants all the more enjoyable to know that they might be helping others.  I hope you all have a great week!

Working with ADHD

It struck me recently when I was trying to update my CV that it would be very unlikely for someone without ADHD to have one like it.  Jumping from big life risk to big adventure, an assortment of unrelated work experiences mixed up with some fairly irregular hobbies, it seems to epitomise my character perfectly. 

Currently I am working as a project coordinator, coordinating a project which aims to integrate young people with disabilities with their non-disabled peers while raising awareness about disability.  It is stressful, impossible, exciting, I am always on the move, and although I don’t always cope with the stress effectively, I absolutely love it and because of that, I excel in it.  I don’t have to sit still in meetings all the time or tap away at a keyboard all day.  I don’t have to listen to people telling me how to do stuff, I figure it out, and that works for me.

Before that I was a personal assistant at a branch of the United Nations Environment Programme which was a different story entirely.  I was hopelessly disorganised and distracted, intensely bored and continually measuring myself against my peers and looking for way out and into something where I could do something meaningful rather than supporting someone else to do that.  After 6 months I was successful at obtaining a 6 month placement on a community development project in India and was about to go for that when I met my fiancé and instead we upped and left together and spent the following 14 months travelling around the world. 

Me having a bit of a tantrum!

Other jobs that I have done include being Co-President, Welfare and Education of the School of Oriental and African Studies (SOAS) Student Union which I absolutely loved and excelled in, working in a crèche in Brussels which I hated with a passion, volunteering as receptionist at a permaculture farm in Nicaragua which nearly drove me insane, working as a fitness instructor which had its ups and downs but was never going to keep me content in the long run, working in bars and pubs and events catering.  I also spent 6 weeks living in Ghana working at a school for people with disabilities.  My suspicion is that many other people with ADHD have similar CV’s.  Not necessarily similar in what they choose to do as that is down to personal interest, but similar in their haphazard and chaotic nature.

I said that in this blog I would talk about how ADHD affects life at the moment.  I think I’ll split this in two and talk about how it affects my work life today and next week about how it affects my home life as there is so much to cover.

How ADHD affects my working life:

The great thing about my job now is that the hours are very flexible.  In my previous job I was continually late and however early I got up, however organised and disciplined I tried to be, I never once made it in on time.  This has always been a tough area for me and is a typical characteristic of ADHD.

Once in a while I am required to go to office meetings, conferences and training sessions for my work and I find these increasingly difficult to focus in.  I’ll concentrate so hard on focussing that I literally repeat every word that the speaker is saying again in my head but all this seems to do is keep me occupied.  Nothing goes in.  I often catch myself day dreaming when I think I’m listening and suddenly realise that I’m listening to my thoughts rather than the speaker.  On the occasion that I do take something in, my mind will go off on a tangent about that, or how I ‘got’ that and then I’ve missed the next point.  There is absolutely nothing I can do about this which is why agenda’s are so important.  It gives me a guideline, a way to prioritise my focus and with any luck pinpoint the moment to be ready to listen.  I also find taking notes is particularly helpful because that way I can take the key points away with me from the meeting, on paper if not in my head.  I said ‘increasingly’ worse as I think there is an element of being ‘out of practice’ going on here as well. 

In more interactive meetings I find it easier to concentrate but my method of concentrating is often at the expense of colleagues as I tend to monopolise the meeting.  However conscious I am of doing it, I find it excessively hard to keep my mouth shut and not butt in.  For me it is one way or the other which is why academic study has always been so difficult.  But that story is not for today.

The final negative affect that ADHD has on my work is probably in terms of patience.  I am not naturally a patient person and when working with people with disabilities, patience in abundance is imperative.  It takes a lot of will power and determination for me to remain patient with my volunteers and I don’t always succeed and when I do I tend to store it up inside me and wait for a possible release which is usually not particularly good for those around me when I take it, particularly at the moment when I am unable to exercise due to a recent knee injury!

Due to talk as Co-President in front of 2000 people at SOAS graduation

But the affects of ADHD are not all negative in my work.  Having suffered with a condition such as ADHD I can empathise with those I work with to some extent.  On a much more general scale I believe my ADHD has pushed me to take some big risks in my life which have significantly benefitted my career.  At SOAS for example, a friend mentioned that she was running for elections as Co President of the Student Union and on a whim I decided to join her.  I was passionate and cared about the university and particularly about making it greener (I had founded the green group a couple of years previously) but I had no idea about student politics or what a Co President did, so essentially I went in blind.  I ran a campaign and stood up in front of all my peers to tell them why I’d be good and what I’d fight for, I invited the floor to fire questions and abuse at me and I was terrified but invigorated.  I think if I didn’t have ADHD I wouldn’t have taken that risk, and therefore I wouldn’t have had the amazing experience of being Co-President for a year.

The job I am currently in I was equally thrown in at the deep end.  I applied for probably about 50 jobs which I was nowhere near qualified in because I wanted a job which was exciting and rewarding.  Eventually I managed to get one of these jobs and I had to learn how to coordinate a project, learn all about different disabilities and how to work with individuals and groups who have them, and essentially do about a years work in under six months!  It never occurred to me that it was an option not to meet all the targets.  It never does.  I work myself harder than most as I’ve always had to just to keep up with my peers, but it does pay off. 

People with ADHD tend to take more big risks than those without it.  This is because it takes a lot more for the ADHD brain to feel ‘excited’ and ‘invigorated’ and people with ADHD tend to get bored more quickly with things than non-ADHD people.  Although this can be hard to live with both for the individual with ADHD and those close to them, it is a fantastic career advantage.  Other classic traits which are particularly useful in the work place include creativity, high energy levels and innovative problem solving. 

According to Frank Barnhill. MD

‘One of the ADHD person’s most outstanding qualities is the ability to self-start, accept risk and display the determination needed to start a new business.  In fact, a lot of corporate level consultants brought in to rescue a company are ADHD… ADHD workers are usually very devoted to their job and trustworthy.  Once they focus on a task, they can become relentless in solving a problem or completing a project.  They have the energy to stick it out when everyone else gives up.  They can think out of the box and provide solutions to problems that few can see.’

I think it is important to remember that ADHD is not all bad.  It is a personality ‘disorder’ which has to be understood and managed but can be a real advantaged if harnessed correctly.  Today I will leave you to reflect with a list of some of the more famous people who have been diagnosed with ADHD, or have retrospectively been ‘diagnosed’ due to close analysis of biographies.

Bill Gates

Robin Williams

Pablo Picasso

Michael Jordan

Billy Connelly

Alfred Hitchcock

Leo Tolstoy

Galileo

Bob Dylan

Abraham Lincon

Winston Churchill

Albert Einstein

Socrates

What is ADHD?

People often tell me knowingly that I’m not ADHD.  They also tell me I’m confident and outgoing.  Admittedly I am your ‘typical’ type A personality but I am also rather shy and I suspect some of my extravert characteristics are a direct consequence of my ADHD.  I was brought up to be polite and to respect your elders and that coupled with my shyness kept me off the ADHD radar for many years.  I believe that this was detrimental to me and to my relationship with my parents who were at the receiving end of my ADHD outbursts every single day that I lived under their roof… and often when I didn’t.  Unlike in America, ADHD is not over diagnosed in England (particularly in women) but most of us who suffer with it are treated like it is.  

I am writing this blog for a number of reasons.  First and foremost I am writing it to help people who experience ADHD, either as sufferers or as friends or family to someone who does, to understand the condition and its complexities, controversies and biases.  I hope to explore the various contentions surrounding issues of labelling and diagnosis and I hope to promote debate and discussion and explore ways of working with people with the condition.  Finally I believe this will be a cathartic exercise and on a personal level I hope to explain to those I love why I am as I am.

Over the coming weeks and months I will discuss what ADHD is to me personally both now and in the past.  I will look at the positive and negative ways that it has affected my life and address how I was diagnosed and why I think it would have been better to have been diagnosed earlier.  I also wish to look in detail at the common misconceptions about ADHD and challenge these.

Medically speaking Attention-defecit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a developmental disorder characterised by distractibility, hyperactivity, impulsive behaviours and the inability to remain focused on tasks.

The ADHD brain works differently than those of people who do not have the condition.  It is thought that neurotransmitters (chemicals in the brain that carry messages) do not work properly in people with ADHD and that the parts of the brain that control activity and attention display less activity than in ‘normal’ people.

According to NHS choices ‘some research shows that the frontal lobes, which are the part of the brain that control decision making, do not work as they should in people with ADHD.  Other research indicates that people with ADHD may have imbalances in the levels of certain chemicals, such as noradrenaline and dopamine.’

Adult ADHD can lead to a number of problems, including unstable relationships, poor performance at work and low self esteem.

Below is a list of symptoms of adult ADHD identified by the NHS choices website

-         carelessness and lack of attention to detail

-         continually starting new tasks before finishing old ones

-         continually loosing or misplacing things

-         forgetfulness

-         restlessness and edginess

-         difficulty keeping quiet and speaking out of turn

-         blurting responses and poor social timing when talking to others

-         often interrupting others

-         mood swings

-         irritability and a quick temper

-         inability to deal with stress

-         extreme impatience

-         taking risks in activity, often with little or no regard for personal safety or the safety of others.

Although these are symptoms that most of us have probably experienced, adults with ADHD will have been significantly and consistently impaired by these symptoms since childhood.  For an adult to be diagnosed with ADHD, their symptoms should cause a moderate degree of impairment in different areas of their life such as in sustaining relationships, coping with stress, dangerous driving or underachieving. 

There are three types of ADHD; mainly inattentive, mainly hyperactive-impulsive and combined.  Women often suffer with mainly inattentive which is probably why they are diagnosed less than men.  Having said that, women can also suffer with mainly hyperactive-impulsive or, like me, combined types and likewise men can suffer with mainly inattentive ADHD. 

I’ll leave it here for this week, my mind is racing with all the stresses the following week will undoubtedly bring and I am getting restless, not to mention irrationally irritated by the noise this computer is making, the temperature of the room, the fact that I keep pressing the wrong keys and that my weekend is almost over.  I need to go and ‘do’ something…..

Next time I hope to talk a little bit more about what ADHD is to me and how it affects my life.

Ciao for now!