At home with my Monster

Part 1

I suspect this will be one of the harder posts to write as the home environment is the most difficult environment for me to manage my ADHD in. 

I have decided to split this into two sections as there is a lot to cover.  Today I will talk about the difficulties I experience with transitions and about how ADHD makes me over emotional, hypersensitive and angry.  Next time I’ll discuss the other factors which affect my home life that I attribute to ADHD including how it affects my driving, my anxiety levels and I will also briefly look at how the learning difficulty element affects me at home.

Transitions

As a child I remember the instant I got home from school, or when I was younger still, as soon as my mum had picked me up from school, the nasty side of me would come out.   

I used call this ‘my monster’ which in retrospect, I suppose was my ADHD. It was almost as if I had been suppressing the hyperactivity all day and released it all at once as soon as I knew I was in a safe place.  My parents used to say that I ‘became a teenager early’ but as I went through my teenage years it became clear it was more than just that. 

Although maturity has meant that I have learnt some coping mechanisms which prevent me from having a tantrum the second I walk through the door, I still struggle with transitions from places where I have to be on my best behaviour to the home environment.  The transition from work to home is particularly difficult and I try to intersperse this with a trip to the gym and some ‘alone’ time in the kitchen cooking dinner to shift me down a gear from over-drive working Lauren to winding down in the evening Lauren.  This works to an extent but I still find myself snapping unnecessarily at my partner if he kindly offers to cook or starts to tell me about events which have happened during the day or future plans which we need to make before I am ready for them.

 

I also struggle with the transition from a social occasion where all is loud and clamourous to the quiet calm of the car journey home.  It is often on these occasions, when I do not have any particular coping mechanisms to hand, that ‘my monster’ resurfaces.

This difficulty with ‘transitions’ is very difficult for those around me to understand as they are used to me being loud, bubbly and ‘bouncing off the walls’ and suddenly I have this need to be alone and quiet while I re-adjust.  I am exactly the same in the morning and find it very easy to be wound up if I don’t have my own space and if I’m not in charge of my own time.

Over emotional, hypersensitive and angry

My ADHD takes hold in many other ways at home as well which have no bearing on my difficulties with transitions.  I am often very over emotional and hyper sensitive and this is magnified enormously when I am generally stressed.  When I am stressed (even if not at that specific time) I am very susceptible to angry outbursts which often take place when I am at home alone.  These usually occur when something minor goes wrong such as knocking over the cutlery holder or not being able to untangle a wire quickly enough and often end in injury or damage to objects around me.  In the house where I grew up there are several holes in doors, angry scuffs on walls, and my bed once lost its legs after repeated kicking.  These days I tend to do more damage to myself punching or kicking solid objects and ending up in tears clutching a bag of frozen peas on the sofa.

After a while I end up feeling like a fool and become angry at myself, guilty for being the way I am and then full of self pity when I attribute it to ADHD which, needless to say, helps no-one.

Sometimes these angry outbursts occur when loved ones are around and can be triggered by a meaningless comment which, at a different time, would probably excite absolutely no reaction from me.  This often results in a short spell of me shouting some very angry, rude and hurtful comments, and then striking out against some kind of object before rapidly removing myself from wherever that person is to cry and feel immediate guilt.

I used to call these outbursts ‘my monster’ as it really does seem to come from somewhere deep inside me and completely ‘take over’ my being.  I seem to have absolutely no control over it.  I go from perhaps slight hyperactivity to literally seething with rage for no plausible reason and all I can do is release it.  The rage part, for me, doesn’t tend to last particularly long, and, after a good cry I tend to feel ‘purged’ and far calmer than before.  The worst part of all this however is the guilt I feel after one of these outbursts.  As they often happen to the same few people that I love the most, each time the guilt builds greater and greater.  My poor mum has probably had to deal with the bulk of my outbursts over time and I cannot apologise enough for how these must have made, and still make (as I am still susceptible to them now), her feel. So here’s a public apology mum.  I’m sorry.

I am still seeking an alternative way to release these tensions but after 26 years of looking I am still none the wiser.  If anyone has had similar experiences and has found a solution that works for them please let me know!

I will leave it here for now with a massive thanks to everyone who commented on my post last week.  It makes these Sunday afternoon rants all the more enjoyable to know that they might be helping others.  I hope you all have a great week!