Primary memories

Frozen in doubt I stared down at the pearly green dollop in my palm, eyes still smarting from chlorine and tears.  What if Miss Pagnamenta hadn’t meant for me to actually leave the lesson and get dressed.  What if she just meant for me to get out of the pool?  What had I done anyway?  I could hear the clip clop of heels and frantically smeared the shampoo down the front of my luminous yellow and black swimsuit hoping to disguise the extent of my mistake. 

I don’t recall what happened next or how I explained myself.  All I remember was that my childhood was full of these minor mortifications.

Another time, already secretly hurt at not yet having been awarded a fountain pen for good handwriting, I had pencilled a story.  A half page of cramped letters, ugly to look at perhaps, but I was proud of the content.  The game was to pretend to rip up your work by making a ripping sound while feigning the action.  Everybody was successful but me.  Skirting the kick of embarrassment I balled and binned my jigsawed work pretending not to care, accepting instead the heavy blow of injustice at not being able to show off my masterpiece.  At break I crept back in to fish out the sacred balls and shoved them into the pockets of my dress, hoping to show my mum at the very least.

‘Lauren,’ came a stern teachery voice.  ‘What are you doing?  Go and stand outside Mrs Timmis’ office until the end of break.’

There I stood, once again atop the bench outside the headmistress’ office, ducking behind the year six coats lest the other teachers found out I was in trouble again.  I comforted myself by thinking that there were worse places to be.  At least I wasn’t stuck playing with magnets in a classroom with the geeks , and the ever damp coats always held a reassuring smell of conkers and rain.

It was another fourteen years before I was diagnosed with ADHD.

Diagnosis

As I have mentioned, it was only when I was 21 that I was eventually diagnosed with Attention Defecit Hyperactivity Disorder and, bizarrely, it was my digestional woes that led me to seek expert advice.  I have always battled with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (whatever that is) and this began to get out of hand during my final year of university.  Digestion became so difficult that I was often sick after my evening meal.  I started worrying that I had some form of subconscious bulimia.

I wish!

Thankfully the gastroenterologist knocked all such concerns on the head suggesting that this was all related to anxiety and I was sent to see a psychiatrist.  After several sessions with him I was diagnosed with acute anxiety, depression and suspected ADHD and was sent to see an ADHD specialist and very soon I was diagnosed.

The process was pretty unscientific and it is understandable why so many people shun an ADHD diagnosis and see it as an excuse, either for parents, teachers or the sufferer themselves for bad behaviour. 

I was asked a series of questions, filled in a questionnaire and, based on my responses, a diagnosis was made.  When younger people are diagnosed (which is more often the case) parents and teachers are involved in the diagnosis and it is very obvious where the scepticism comes from.  I am quite sceptical myself but the more I read, and the more I learn about myself and the condition, the more convinced I become that ADHD is a real condition and that diagnosis, however unscientific, is in some cases, important and necessary.

I was already taking anti-depressants prescribed by the psychiatrist when the ADHD diagnosis was made and was then given Ritalin for the ADHD.  I was also referred to a lady who saw me weekly for cognitive behavioural therapy or CBT.

The diagnosis made complete sense to me.  It made sense of my life, my personality, my irrepressible urges and my insufferable moods. 

The anti depressants helped level my anxiety and mood and the Ritalin had the most incredible effect. It lifted this thick veil of foggy exhaustion and confusion from my mind.  I went from walking through treacle to walking through air.  I felt an enormous sense of freedom, excitement, adventure and potential.  For the first time in my life, I enjoyed a class.  I found it interesting and was able to concentrate for about 70% of it which was an incredible revolution for me. 

I’m not quite sure how well the CBT worked.  I’m not sure I gave it as much of a chance as I should have.  The Ritalin felt like a cure and everything in my life seemed to be getting so much better that I probably didn’t harness its potential as much as I could or should have.  One day I will try it again.

I don’t use Ritalin every day anymore.  I use it when I need it – in long and complicated meetings or for interviews.  I’m not sure whether that is a good or a bad thing and should probably check with a doctor that it is safe so please, ADHD people, don’t take this as advice!

My ADHD still affects me and those close to me every day.  It is intertwined with my personality and it can be incredibly hard to live with but, on the other hand, it is also my friend.  It helps to push me where I wouldn’t otherwise push myself.  It keeps me on my toes.  And every day I think I get a little bit closer to accepting it.

ADHD and me: I am not the monster

ADHD and me: I am not the monster: "When we were young Although I wasn’t diagnosed until the age of 21, my ADHD was very apparent, if unnamed, from an early age. I touched brie..."

I am not the monster

When we were young

Although I wasn’t diagnosed until the age of 21, my ADHD was very apparent, if unnamed, from an early age.

I touched briefly on my difficulties between the transition between school and home in an earlier blog.  These were the times when my ‘monster’ overcame me, Mr Hyde took over and left both me and my family in despair. 

Unlike many ADHD children I was relatively well behaved at school.  I never played truant, probably terrified of disappointing my parents whom I already felt deeply guilty towards due to my at-home behaviour.  I was never rude to teachers and I tried absurdly hard to be liked by them.  I never was, probably due to my inability to ‘suck up’ as we called it back then. 

One of my earliest memories from school involved a game we used to play where we pretended to rip up our work while making a ripping sound through our teeth.  Inevitably I never really got the hang of this and in my enthusiasm actually ripped up an entire story which I had spent the duration of the class writing. I was so embarrassed I copied the entire thing out again at home that night and then didn’t dare to give it in the next day.  The teacher didn’t seem to even notice my story, which I was quite proud of, had never been handed in.  This kind of thing happened a lot at school. 

All through my school career I was told off for not trying.  My reports came back saying that if only I tried harder (read – didn’t have ADHD) I could do really well; if only I asserted myself (read – didn’t have ADHD) I would be able to pass.  One of my teachers used to pick on me ‘Madame Evans’ and use me as an example to my year and the year below.   ‘Pay attention or you’ll end up like Madame Evans’ or something to that affect.  Of course I put on a brave face but, after all these years, my confidence in my academic ability is still affected.

In lessons I used to write lists of friends to invite to that weekend’s party, write long notes and even letters, count down the minutes and seconds left until the bell went, invent ‘tag’s’ in case I ever had the inclination to grafitti etc etc.  When I was about 11 or 12 I used to hide headphones under my hair and listen to music or audio books during lessons.  Once I even brought my hamster in my pocket.  My mind used to wander incessantly and I was bored to near insanity.  It never, never occurred to me to listen.  It was only during my GCSE’s that I realised that my peers actually listened in class.  I felt cheated. 

Revision was always a nightmare as I had to essentially learn the lesson for the first time and then try and remember it.  It always took three or four times the time and effort for me to revise than my peers and I rarely did as well, or so it seemed. 

Thankfully my parents were strict with me and would always double or triple check that I was doing my homework.  Otherwise I would probably have given up on school work.  Often they would find me in tears and fits of frustration and anguish over biology, dad would always help me with maths and mum would always help me with French (while I walked around and around the table or lay on the floor kicking my legs in the air in an attempt to concentrate, getting increasingly stressed, anxious and angry).  This always ended in a tantrum and usually we were both in tears at some point during the daily saga.  I was sent to several tutors for the subjects my extraordinarily accommodating parents had no expertise in.  It was a nightmare.  But it got me where I am now. 

I think the reason I managed to be ‘good’ at school, and thus undiagnosed, was that my parents were so forgiving and accommodating.  Although I feared disappointing them I knew they would always love me.  Home was that safe haven where I could be myself.  And that was when my monster would come out, all the pent up hurt, frustration and anxiety of the school day would surge out of me in dramatic waves of anger and aggression.  I had no control, and moreover, no idea what it was.

Now I do know what it is, I have an explanation and that helps a lot.  As I have said, I still have these outbursts, both at home with my partner and when I visit my parents.  My monster hasn’t left me and I don’t pretend to have that much control over it.  I am still working on that.  Diagnosis doesn’t cure, and I’m not sure how much it necessarily helps either but at least, in my case, it has relieved some of the guilt.  At least I know that its my monster, and that I am not the monster.

ADHD and me: At home with my Monster

ADHD and me: At home with my Monster: "Part 2 Last time I talked about how ADHD affected me in terms of the transitions between one phase of the day to the next and also about how..."

At home with my Monster

Part 2

Last time I talked about how ADHD affected me in terms of the transitions between one phase of the day to the next and also about how it can make me over emotional, hypersensitive and angry.  Today I want to address those other things that affect my home life which I also believe to be linked to my ADHD.

Anxiety

Anxiety, although I often don’t realise I’m experiencing it, affects me both mentally and physically and is deeply intertwined in my personal experience of ADHD.  In fact, it was the physical affects of acute anxiety that led to my diagnosis 5 years ago.

I often catch myself dreaming up negative scenario’s which could potentially happen in the future but which have no real basis.  For example, I might imagine a conversation with someone who is currently irritating me in real life in which they say something wrong and hurtful about someone I care about thereby giving me justification to be angry with them.  I think it is almost a subconscious way of finding somewhere to put some of my anger which tends to build inside me until I have an occasion to release it.  The trouble is that I don’t release it; I essentially wind myself up with imagined scenarios and continue to harbour that bad feeling based on something which never even happened.  I know its unhelpful, I know its bad for me, I know its bad for those around me but, like any habit, its incredibly difficult to break.  

I also get very anxious about getting enough rest.  When I was younger and enjoying an action packed social, work and studying lifestyle I used to get anxious about not getting enough sleep.  I used to get anxious in clubs which I never much enjoyed, thinking I was wasting my free time when I could be sleeping in preparation for the following day which would invariably involve lots of socialising, working and usually some kind of voluntary work as well.

As I have got older this has become more and more prevalent and I have started getting excessively over protective about my weekends which can, in fact, cause more stress and anxiety than a busy weekend might otherwise cause.  Again, it’s a bad habit I’m aware of but one that’s proving incredibly difficult to kick.  If only it was as easy as giving up smoking, a piece of cake in comparison!

Driving

Another area where my ADHD can affect both my home and work life is driving.  Sometimes, when my head is particularly ‘foggy’ I avoid driving and I can become quite anxious about driving long distances alone as I worry that I will loose concentration and crash.  I have never had a moving crash or collision caused by this but I am aware that it could happen and have to think and plan for driving long distances more than most. 

More often, however, I loose concentration when doing ‘every day’ driving.  Recently, for instance, I scratched my car coming out of the car park at work where I park every day.  I think this is because I do it every day my brain doesn’t feel the need to focus.  I know this is normal for a lot of people.  They do say that a third of accidents occur in a mile radius of home, but I really believe that my ADHD exacerbates this.

When I was younger I also used to get quite bad road rage.  Luckily this hasn’t happened recently but this could be due to the fact that I no longer live in London!

ADHD as a learning difficulty

One of the funnier aspects of my ADHD as a learning difficulty is that I have developed fool-proof coping mechanisms.  I am so good at looking like I am listening that I continually inadvertently fool my partner.  When we were travelling this caused no end of problems as I stood there ‘listening’ to someone speaking to us in Spanish, he would assume I was listening and comprehending so he would switch off himself and neither of us would know what was said.

I also really struggle with calculations and directions.  It was only a couple of years ago that I realised that not everyone counted using their fingers.  My partner has spent years trying to teach me to count in my head but to no avail.  My mind simply won’t compute without the aid of my fingers!  I am also completely useless with directions.  It is not only that I have absolutely no ‘sense’ of direction, but I cannot remember directions, or locations, or places at all.  This has been an ongoing joke for most of my life and, I too, find it amusing but the jokes can become hurtful at times as I do try exceedingly hard and simply cannot do these things.

Final word… because I always have to have it

The previous two posts have been a very personal account of how ADHD affects my home life and I’m sure that other people with ADHD will have very different experiences.  It is sometimes hard to know what is ADHD and what is just my personality but as I believe they are so inextricably linked I just put it all in there.  Apologies to any experts if I was ever off the mark!

ADHD and me: At home with my Monster

ADHD and me: At home with my Monster: "Part 1 I suspect this will be one of the harder posts to write as the home environment is the most difficult environment for me to manage m..."